strength and sorrow

dearest rory,

today I lost a sibling.

I don’t know what gender it was. I hadn’t ever met him/her. I had only known of his/her existence for twelve days.

twelve short amazing days.

in those twelve days, I had grown to love this sibling. I had imagined what this sibling would be like. I had picked out my favorite girl's names and boy's names. I had tried to picture life with another sticky, smiley, sunny person running around the house. I had told my friends this good news. they were excited to meet this sibling. I was excited to meet my sibling.

I had written out that I loved this sibling up on the blackboard in the kitchen. I had written it along with the names of the rest of my family members.

I don’t think I can bear to ever clean that blackboard again. but then, I can’t bear to look at it either.

why? why would God take this baby away from us? why would He raise our hopes only to tear them down again?

I asked Him these questions. I yelled these questions at Him.

somehow I don’t think He minded me yelling. somehow, I think He looked at me and cried with me. I felt Him reach out and hold me in His arms. He told me to cry. He told me He was right there and that He wouldn’t let me go.

the night before we found out that the baby was lost to us, I had picked up my dad’s Bible. it fell open to the book of Job. for a moment, I considered turning to one of the books I liked better. psalms, proverbs, ephesians, or philippians sounded nice.

but I started reading the first chapter of Job. and then the second. in two short chapters, Job had lost his possessions, his wealth, and his ten children. he didn’t know why. he didn’t know why God would allow him to culminate such riches and blessings only to take them away.

he was desperately sad. he was desperately confused as to why this had happened to him.

his wife told him to curse God and die.

Job didn’t listen to his wife. he looked at the destruction around him and said, “the Lord gives. the Lord takes away. blessed be the name of the Lord.”

that verse jumped out at me. it screamed at me. I think God was yelling it at me. and I heard. and the next day, I clutched my Bible and reread those verses with a broken heart.

the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

why? why would God take this baby away from us? why would He raise our hopes only to tear them down again?

I don’t know. I only know that He has a purpose for everything.

and even when I don’t understand those purposes… blessed be the name of the Lord.

love you so much,
muffin

p.s. [thank you to everyone who has/is/and will be praying.]

p.p.s. love this song:

as the thunder rolls,
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls,
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives,
and takes away...
I will praise You in this storm.