dear rory,
this is going to be a highly un-polished letter, so please forgive me now. I am so tired, but I wanted to share a conversation I had with my grandma tonight. maybe it will somehow be as much of a reminder to you as it was to me. and if not... if you already knew all of this stuff... then uh... sorry. I am a slow learner sometimes.
the conversation went like this:
“so do you have any questions YOU want to ask the doctor tomorrow?” my grandma looked at me from across the kitchen table, pen in hand, with a list of questions her and my mother had already written lying before her. the questions included what my new diet would consist of, how long it would take until full recovery, what physical exercises I should be doing, and a lot of other medical things that I had tuned out while pretending to listen.
I started back to reality at my grandma’s voice. my first impulse was to answer her jokingly by saying, “yeah, ask the doctor if we can include chocolate in the diet somehow.”
instead I thought (you heard that right. please be impressed by this rare occassion ;).
DID I have any questions?
“I have a question,” I finally replied, “but it’s more for you than for the doctor.”
she raised her eyebrows in anticipation and set down her pen.
“do you think this doctor will take me seriously? most doctors have started out their sessions almost as if they think I am making everything up. by the end of the appointment, I can tell they believe me, but those first few minutes of being treated like a liar or a child are humiliating.”
my own voice surprised me. it sounded shaky as though I were about to cry.
my grandma was quiet for a moment. “renee,” she said at last, “do you ever gage people and their opinions by percentage?”
“what do you mean?”
“I mean that if somebody said that he had heard that balancing ten plates on your head will cure you of a disease, what would you rank your belief in that statement percentage wise? would you give that 2% of your trust? what if you heard from a more reliable source all about a treatment that had been found to cure most cases of that disease? Would you give that 60% of your trust?”
I was still feeling mystified.
“renee. give God 100% of your trust. if the doctor doesn’t believe you or your symptoms at first, don’t let that drag you down. know that God, who made you, knows what is wrong and has the ability to heal you. let Him be your rock. don’t rest solely upon what others say or think about your sickness. don’t rest solely upon others opinions. rest upon God. God knows.”
I thought about this for a moment. during the past few weeks, I have been feeling like maybe I’m crazy. I know that something is wrong with my body- staying in bed and hanging out on the couch all day is enough indication that something is not right- but what with my test results coming back normal, I have been feeling, yes, grateful, but also phony. thoughts have kept slipping into my mind making me doubt myself. making me feel like maybe I’ve just been being a big baby and if I could just get my act together, I would be better in no time.
and yet the truth is, I am not well. I feel happier in spirit than I did a week or two ago, but tonight my legs began hurting again like crazy and my right foot went all tingly. I am weak. I am tired. my vision is blurry. something is wrong, but nobody knows what.
I have faced many critical doctors, and I feel more worn out with each one. this morning I told my dad that if anyone at church said something about me faking this or just wanting attention I would start crying. (just so you know, nobody did. I love you all.) I have started ranking people’s opinions at a high percentage rate, and I’ve been letting my own doubts get to me. I have stopped looking to God for 100% of all the strength, comfort, and support I need. and doing that has left me feeling empty.
I need to find my refuge in the Creator-not the created.
my grandma’s words struck me hard. I felt as though a burden was lifted, no, knocked off my shoulders. suddenly I remembered that no matter what happens, no matter how long I am sick, no matter if the doctors ever find what is wrong, no matter what others may say, I can rest in knowing that God knows all about what I am feeling, what is going on in my body, why this is happening, and how it will resolve. He’s got it under control, even if all the doctors in the world don’t. even if I feel crazy. even if some may think I’m crazy.
I looked back into my grandma’s eyes and tried to keep the tears out of my own.
“I think I had forgotten that,” I said. “thank you for reminding me.”
she went on to pray for me. praying that I would put on the full armor of God and that I would trust Him and look to Him alone.
and now here I am in bed. writing this all out, because I am a dunce and would forget most of the conversation by morning.
I don’t want to forget this conversation. I want to remember it.
if I could just stop forgetting how awesome God is, I would be a lot better off! maybe I’ll make a sign with the words “Come on you big dummy! Remember that God is in control” written backwards on it, tape it to my forehead, and carry a mirror around with me to look into and remind myself.
of course, then I would be giving the doctors a good reason to think I’m crazy. ;)
well, I’m off to dream world.
nightynight,
muffin
ps- I just have to say thank you, thank you, thank you to my dear friends who have been praying for me. I love you all and I appreciate the prayers more than you know.
pps- no one send me any more chocolate. I can't eat it and watching others eat it... well... it's just not fun. ;)
ppps- maybe my next post should be on the joy of seeing others happy? ......... nahhhh.
When your Grandma said, 'Rest on God,' I thought of that Rascal Flatts song.
ReplyDeleteIt hurts my heart
to see you cry
I know it's dark
this part of life
Oh, it finds us all
we're too small
to stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains
I will stand by you,
I will help you through
when you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let go...
<3
I don't think there's a single one of us who can honestly say they don't struggle with putting too much hope in people's opinion instead of God's. Though why we do when people are finite and disappoint and God isn't and doesn't.
ReplyDeleteVery good post. And thank God for grandmas. I've had a, actually sort of similar, conversation with my Grandma.With her reminding me that God is in control of even the small things and reminding me to trust more fully in Him.
Makes sense, really. Grandmas have had a good deal more time to learn. I sure hope by the time I'm 60 or 70, the lesson in trust will be drilled into my silly heart deeply enough to make me able to encourage the young whipper-snappers when they need it. =)
ReplyDeleteI empathize with all this, Nay! =| Remember, that was the first thing I said in the car to BWW when you were telling us about your symptoms... "it's the hardest thing to feel yucky all over in ways that people can't see, because only you know how bad it is; you just seem like a baby to other people."
And yes, yes, yes, how I struggle with caring about what "they" think or like rather than loving God more than anything. If He thinks the circumstance is good, no matter what, than it IS good. He proves again and again that He can make everything beautiful in the end.
Oh, for grace to trust Him more. :)
Thinkin' about and prayin' for you, Muffin...
I believe u, I believe all ur novels. :)
ReplyDelete*praying for u*
Christian
Thanks for the comments guyses. :) (I like that Rascal Flatts song, T!)
ReplyDeleteI went to a doctor today who actually found what is wrong and knows how to fix it! Praise God! I am so extremely happy about this! (even though I'm only allowed to eat green vegetables this next week and then only certain foods for awhile after that :P )
Thanks again for the prayers!!
Hold fast, Agent Floral! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd you are not alone. A doctor once suggested that it was "all in her head" when my sister was very ill, and I've had a similar experience since then. Suffice to say I wanted to punch the doctor. In the head. And then say, "Now it's all in YOUR head." (But I didn't. I forgave him. Eventually.)
0:)
Meanwhile I think you've been giving a very good testimony, and have been remarkably cheerful overall. You're a dear thing. *hug*
"instead I thought (you heard that right. please be impressed by this rare occassion ;)."
ReplyDeleteNot rare at all. You actually are a thoughtful and intelligent person. So if I'm not impressed, that's actually a good thing; it means I expect much from you. :)
By the way, it didn't even occur to me that you would be faking this until I read this post. I give you complete credibility. But as you say, God's view is most important.